NELL MERLINO winced when the last census showed that women owned nearly half of the nation's privately held businesses - but that four times as many men as women owned companies that raked in more than $1 million a year.

She laughs at the notion that men are just better at business. As she sees it, men have been socialized to be more aggressive in going after clients, and to be more comfortable asking family members for seed money.

"Women's financial independence is the missing piece in the evolution of equal rights," she said.

So Ms. Merlino, 52 - probably best known for dreaming up Take Our Daughters to Work Day - has made it a personal cause to narrow the gap. She and Susan Sobbott, the president of OPEN, the division of American Express that serves small businesses, have just formed Make Mine a $Million Business - complete with a cutesy use of the dollar sign - to funnel money and mentoring to women whose businesses seem to have a viable shot at the $1 million milestone.

It sounds like a lowball goal - after all, a $1 million blackmail demand was a big laugh line in the first "Austin Powers" movie. But Ms. Merlino says that it is more than a psychological magic number.

"It's the point at which banks are more likely to lend you the money you need to grow even more," she says.

Even as a child, Ms. Merlino balked when adults treated girls with condescension. "In kindergarten, my report card said I was bossy," she recalled. "That's what they always say about a girl who has leadership qualities."

The second of five children, Ms. Merlino grew up in Trenton. Her father was a lawyer and sometime politician, and her mother juggled homemaking, painting and teaching art. "They were Democrats and political activists," she said. "I had one uncle who was a Republican businessman, but we didn't talk about him much."

Ms. Merlino remembers herself as a young rebel. As a second grader, she horrified the nuns in her Catholic school by challenging the idea of doing good to please God. "I thought helping others should be reason enough," she said. Neither high school nor college mellowed her. At Antioch, where she majored in political economy and labor relations, she hung out with "Maoists, Black Panthers, lots of Vietnam protesters," she said. Business was the furthest thing from her mind. "I wanted to be an activist labor lawyer," she said.

That idea was quickly derailed when she was studying for the law school admissions tests. "I realized I did not want to know what the rules were, or how to play by them," she said. So she became a union organizer, with an emphasis on asking underpaid women in the clothing and health care fields to unite. "Some 85 percent of hospital workers were women, but guys were running the show," she said. "It was astounding how the women still thought their bosses would take care of them." Ms. Merlino worked in various state jobs in New Jersey, trying to better the lot of the mentally ill and of abused children and women. Then, in 1980, "Reagan got elected and a lot of the programs I worked for got bounced," Ms. Merlino said. She moved to Manhattan, and spent about five years at various jobs and on the unemployment line. Then, in 1988, she was an advance person for the presidential campaign of Michael Dukakis. "I had an awful time persuading the people that I, a woman, was in charge," she recalled. "I figured, 'If I've got to fight so hard, I might as well make money at it.' "

So, at 35, Ms. Merlino set herself up in public relations. Most of her clients were environmentalists, feminists, gay rights organizations and other groups she had come to know in her activist days. In 1993, she said, the Ms. Foundation hired her to run a campaign to "smash patriarchy." She came up with Take Our Daughters to Work Day.

A year later, she married Gary Conger, a printing services consultant, whom she met on a blind date in 1992. Through it all, Ms. Merlino kept running into women who were depending on men. "I kept wondering, Why can't women be more financially independent?" she said, noting that she and her husband do not commingle finances. One answer, she concluded, is that the process of getting business loans was skewed in favor of men. So, in 1999, she started Count Me In, a nonprofit group that makes small loans to women who are entrepreneurs.

"Banks would ask how long you've been in business," she said. "We'd ask, 'How long have you made your product or delivered your services?' " For example, Count Me In readily lent money to caterers who were successfully selling cookies from their kitchens, but had not incorporated, and were thus "flying below bank credit radar."

NOT surprisingly, Ms. Merlino has a lot of advice for starting a business. And during a recent lunch at Restaurant 44 in Manhattan, she proffered the following tips - some aimed at women, others at anyone with entrepreneurial aspirations:

Don't be afraid to impose on people's time. "People are really flattered when asked to mentor new businesses," she said. Talk to people whose businesses have failed, too. They can warn you of potential pitfalls and tell you how to exit a business gracefully before it drains you emotionally and financially.

Realize that your name may not be your best asset. Sure, Donald Trump and Tom Carvel did well by slapping their names on the door - but Microsoft and Berkshire Hathaway did all right, too. And, Ms. Merlino said, "it is easier to attract talent to a more corporate-sounding entity." If you sell the company, and the buyer insists on the rights to the name, you can't capitalize on your own reputation if you want to start another business.

Don't think you have to look prosperous from the get-go. Loan officers are as impressed with good numbers in a plain black binder as they are with flashy PowerPoint presentations. And money spent on market research and product development will woo more customers than money spent on advertising and fancy furniture. "It's silly to go into debt to pretend that you already are what you are aspiring to be," she said.

Check yourself out with the credit agencies at least twice a year. "A meeting with your banker is not the time to discover that there is some old problem," she said.

Apply for a loan, even if you have enough personal credit to get by. The obvious reason is to ensure that your personal credit rating is not trashed if your business fails. But there is also real value, she said, "in being forced to lay out your plans for the money to a professional."

Don't go to more than one lender at a time. Banks can easily find out how many applications you have made. Say you've asked 10 banks for $1 million each. "Lenders may accept that you could easily pay back $1 million," she said, "but they'll balk if there's a chance you'll be on the hook for $10 million."

Steer clear of do-it-yourself planning and accounting software packages. Yes, accountants and planners are more expensive. But they are worth it. "They will catch it right away if you inadvertently enter a wrong number," Ms. Merlino said. "With software, the error will go on in perpetuity." If you must use software, she said, at least hire a professional to double-check your entries.

Don't think that itemization is just for tax returns. The clearer you are about why you need money, the more likely you are to get a loan. "If you need $1 million for a marketing campaign, $1 million for new technology and $1 million to build inventory, then say so," Ms. Merlino said. "It's tempting to just ask for $3 million, but it's a lot less effective."